In the last few weeks, I have written quite a few blog posts that I haven’t posted; some very deep and emotional, others angry and scathing. Writing the posts and editing them helps me to work out exactly how I feel about what’s going on, but on a few occasions, I felt for one reason or another that it wasn’t right to share them.
The post I wrote last night, but hesitated in sharing summed up exactly how I was feeling in that moment of frustration and I knew that if certain people were to read it, it would hit home. So why didn’t I post it? For some reason, I was unsure, so I let it sit.
A few interesting things happened today. This morning, my dad said to me, “The best possible outcome for you is that you’ll end up as best friends. The next is that you won’t be speaking at all.”. I scoffed. There is no way in hell we’ll be ending up as friends.
Then I had a quick chat with my aunty. As someone who’s been in my shoes, I’m always interested to hear her spin on things. She stopped me mid-way through my 10-things-I-hate-about-him-right-now speech to give me her insight. She said that first and foremost whatever I feel is important and I should allow myself to feel it. But you don’t have to be angry. For every second that you’re angry with him, you’re not being happy about something else.
So after initially being a bit miffed that she had cut me off half way through my morning’s bitch, I thought about it. Is she right? Do you choose anger? Anger has always come second nature to me, is there really another way? This really does put a different spin on things.
I have no control over what he does or where he does it, but I could have control (or at least some) over how it affects me. If I can get a grip on my anger towards him, could we end up being friends? It’s a bit of an alien concept to me at the moment, but it would definitely be best for Raffy in the long run. Maybe deep down, the reason that I hadn’t posted some of what I had written was to protect the possibility of some kind of amicable, even friendly relationship in the future?
We need to work on communication, some trust and establish some form of routine. And I imagine that it’s going to take a hell of a lot of time to get there. But wouldn’t it be nice if we got there eventually?