They say that when a relationship breaks down, you go through five stages of grief. For me, the denial stage started a long time ago. There had been signs a long way back that our relationship was unbalanced but I was too focussed on our family that I probably didn’t see them. Or let myself see them.
When I sat across the table on our first date, I fell in love. This time was different to any other guy I’d liked, or thought I’d loved. This time it was all consuming. It felt stable, and real and I trusted him completely and instantly. Things moved quickly between us and we moved in together and only a few months later, I was pregnant.
When our son was born, I felt complete. I was so wrapped up in my absolute happiness that it didn’t occur to me that it could ever change. And to be honest, I didn’t want to even entertain it. And so I didn’t, and I continued in unwavering faith that my adoration for this man, and our family would be enough.
Over the last few days, I have definitely moved into the anger stage and faced with an entirely new challenge. I am consumed with a kind of fierce rage that I never knew even existed. I catch myself daydreaming about horrible unspeakable things that I could do to hurt him because I’m sure that the only way to make him understand is to make him feel my pain.
The problem is, that I’m fully aware of exactly how unhealthy and pointless that would be. I know that I will be rewarded by being patient and kind. But it is taking absolutely every ounce of my being to keep my thoughts positive. It’s absolutely not for my sake as I could happily live with the guilt of causing him anguish, but not with the guilt of hurting my son.
So it continues; deep breaths and as much zen as I can muster. Believing that good things eventually come to good people and that at the end of this, I will be OK. Concentrating on laughing daily and enjoying the simple things.
Apparently, I now can look forward to two more stages of absolute hell before I’m likely to feel remotely normal again. All I wish for is the strength to get through this with minimal damage. I’m sure I’ll slip up along the way and cry at inopportune times and say things I shouldn’t but I look forward to feeling peaceful again and moving forwards.